I am honored to be with you today at your graduation from one of the most so-so colleges in the world: Stockton State University. My name is Gary Smith and I'm middle manager at a data processing center. You probably never heard of me and that is because I have not really done anything noteworthy. I'm just a regular guy with a regular job, a wife and two kids. I'm still shocked they asked me to deliver the commencement address. I guess Jon Bon Jovi was unavailable.

You are about to embark on the journey of your life, in which you will all go up and down and forward and back, but in the end you will all wind up smack dab in the middle. You won't be great, but you won't be awful either; you' will just be average.

For me, I do just enough to keep society off my back. I work about forty hours a week, sometimes forty-five, sometimes thirty-five. While I haven't really achieved much in my career, I've made a living and had plenty of time to watch TV, sleep, eat and masturbate to foreign films. Hell, I even have sex with my wife sometimes.

See, when you are an overachiever, you totally miss out on the pleasures of life, especially sports. Due to my lack of initiative, I get to go home and watch games; I am a huge Philly fan. I mean I can tell you all the players on any Phillies teams for the past twenty years pretty much. Can Bill Gates or Steve Jobs do that? I don't think so.

Now you are probably out there right now saying to yourself, "Hey, this guy is a loser. What's he talking about? I'm going to be somebody!" I get it- you are filled with energy and optimism and hope. Everyone wants to be a star, but I will tell you right now, in twenty years you're going to be right where I am: in the middle.

Even if you start off strong, you will most likely burn out, get an addiction or even worse, get married and have kids. That will slow your ass down. Then you will be like everyone else- doing just enough to keep the world off your back and have enough space to enjoy yourself. Yeah you may never vacation in Barbados or own a Gulf Stream IV, but you will be able to catch Seinfeld re-runs.

Now would I be giving this same commencement at Harvard University? No, because most of those kids are actually going places, but let's face it you could only get in to Stockton State. But, don't worry, it's a blessing in disguise as you are destined to have a nice, balanced life. 

Harvard grads will end up working fourteen hours a day only to backstab each other in an effort to win some game that doesn't even exist. Any recognition or fame or wealth they acquire along the way will be completely meaningless when they die, because you can't take it with you.

Keep in mind, rich people can never be gods. I mean, even Bill Gates still has to breathe the same air and shit in a toilet. Yeah, his toilet is probably really nice and maybe it shoots up water into his ass and then tells him he is a great guy, but that is it. That's all he gets for working sixteen hours a day for thirty years. Just think of all the amazing episodes of "Lost" or "The Office" he missed by working late, or all the great golf tournaments he missed by working on Saturdays.

Gates probably doesn't even go on YouTube and get lost clicking through a maze of clips of people falling down or dogs humping furniture. I mean, who would want to go through life without doing that? Not me and not Stockton State graduates, I hope.         

Also, these workaholics do all of this because they are insecure about something. They need everyone to know they are successful and they have a big penis.

Being successful is sometimes a sign of sickness if you think about it. Tom Cruise works so hard because he's short. Donald Trump works so hard because he has awful hair. Bill Gates works so hard because he never got laid in college. And, Hitler well he had the trifecta: short, bad hair and never got laid. If he would have just accepted himself and relaxed and learned to watch TV, the world would have been a much better place. So, you see, being the big fish, or the top dog is actually kind of sad; it just tells everyone that you have an inferiority complex. The key is to accept yourself. Average is the new great.

Before you get defensive about being average, think about this: You guys are in America, the tippy top of the First World. So, the middle of the top is not too bad. I mean the middle class in India means sleeping on dirt. In countries like Argentina and Indonesia they work in sweatshops fourteen hours a day for $3 to $4. I make that much in fifteen minutes, and I still have time to watch hours and hours of television. See how awesome a deal that is!

See, when I arrive at the pearly gates, I can look my Maker in the eye and say, "It was a fun ride, thank you very much." And now, as you graduate to begin your life, I wish that for you: Enjoy the long ride to the middle. Now if you will excuse me, I have got to race home and catch the end of the Phillies-Mets game on TV.